I had pretty much forgotten about my LLETZ, life was returning to normal. Work had been busy. The show had been a success and was still running, we were 2 venues down with two more to go. I was still feeling delicate but I was back running my workshops and managing to have more freedom in my movement again. I still wasn’t allowed to have baths, or sex, which was inconvenient but the count down was on.
It had been just over 2 weeks since my LLETZ. It was Friday afternoon. I was all excited as I was heading to Newcastle later that evening for Belta Blues. I had a list of things to do, I was being super productive… cracking on… until… BUZZ…
My Fitbit was going crazy. I had a call. Unknown ID. I don’t usually answer my phone at work but it was in my hand…
“It’s blah blah blah from the hospital. We’d like to see you at the hospital on Monday at 2pm are you available?”
“Um, hold on a minute please.” I stuck my head around into my boss’s office. “It’s the hospital. They want to see me at 2pm on Monday. Am I available?”
“Um… hello, yes. 2pm on Monday is fine. Thanks. Do I need to bring anything?”
“No. That’s booked in. Come to the Gynaecology ward and you’ll be seen there. Thank you. Bye.”
“Thank you. Bye.”
What the fuck just happened?!
The hospital rang ME to book an appointment. Usually I’m the one asking for doctors appointments. Or normally I have to wait. This is Friday. They want to see me on Monday. At the hospital. Holy fuck. Why the fuck do they want to see me?
I promptly burst into tears.
My boss came to see if I was OK. She gave me a hug and sent me out for lunch.
The doctor had said after my LLETZ that they would be in touch in about 6 weeks. That was meant to be it! What now?! What else can possibly be wrong?
I stepped outside. It was a really nice day. Tears were rolling down my face. I left the theatre and started walking into the centre of town. I rang my mum. No answer. I rang my best friend. “Please will you come with me to the appointment?” “Of course!”
My mum rang back. “The hospital want to see me on Monday.” “Do you want me to be there? If you want me I’ll be there.” Music to my ears. I would’ve loved my Mum to be there but the logistics were a nightmare. (And in my gut I knew there would be another time I would need her more. I’d rather have her there for that.)
Cancer? That was the worst case scenario wasn’t it? But what does that even mean? Was I going to die? Was I going to have surgery? Was I going to lose my hair? I’m 30 years old. 30 year olds don’t get cancer. Am I completely over reacting? I am getting the wrong end of the stick? What was going to happen on Monday?
I was terrified. I was confused. The pit of my stomach had fallen to my feet. I was going to be positive. I was going to dance the weekend away in Newcastle with my lovely friends. I would come back and face the music on Monday. Rosie would come with me. She could take notes. It would be fine.
That weekend was filled with joy and cuddles and uncertainty.
I met beautiful people, amazing role models and made friends for life. I had wonderful dances. I drank the drink and ate the food. I took fantastic classes. I had to sit out of one, it was focused on hips… my hips and I were not in the frame of mind to be moving freely so instead I sat and read everything I could muster about other people who had had “the phone call”. I was still flat and tired after my LLETZ and soooo sick of sanitary pads but I was getting there. I travelled home that Sunday night with a full heart. I felt so loved and so supported.
Public Cervix Announcement
100% of cervical cancer is preventable.
I thought I’d be knackered on Monday from lack of sleep and worry but I wasn’t. I woke up ready. I didn’t know what I needed to be ready for exactly but I was ready.
The hardest thing is not knowing, anticipating what could be said. Running through all of the scenarios in your head. Not having the knowledge or information to know what might come next and knowing that no one but my doctors with the results of my LLETZ had any answers for me.
I didn’t tell everyone but it wasn’t a secret. I spoke to my friends openly. I was tearful. They say a problem shared is a problem halved. I think they are quite right. Find support. Find someone to sit with, to talk to, to share your worries with. Do not sit tight and hide how you feel. Be open. Feel worried, have a panic, then calm down and try to find the patience or distraction you need. The answers will come.